The Game of Life

This might be long & personal. I need to write. I won't hold it against you if you don't read it.

I think life is playing with me.

Right now life is going good, too good. I haven't been making any bad decisions, hurting any people or wandering around like a little lost disaster. Unless you count Christmas when I made my sister cry. That's another story, but really I was just trying to help her. My Uncle also recently passed, and while it is sad, I know it is for the better. He was struggling for almost 10 years with cancer, in great pain and I know he is in a better place, looking out for us. My Dad always said he was his "Protecter". RIP Uncle Mike (and Happy Birthday today)

Life is good. My job is wonderful, the people I work with are great and there is a lot of opportunity for me to explore myself and my strengths with the company. I am closer than ever with my Family, even my Dad who I have been slowly trying to forgive and rebuild a relationship with. My friends are also good, although I don't see them as often as I should ... having trouble with this work/life balance thing. I am finally over the X, ready to move on with my life and I think I might have even made a new friend out of it. Well not really a "new" friend. We got along fine before, but then I made one of my mistakes and yada yada. Think Seinfeld ... the yada yada always has a story. But I think we are OK now.

So what's wrong? The fact that nothing is going wrong has been eating away at me. I keep having this reoccuring, terrifying dream that all my teeth are falling out. I am stressed because I'm not stressed. How is that normal?? I must be broken.

In the back of my mind I'm waiting for the house of cards to come falling in around me. I'm walking on egg shells waiting for it to happen. Happen already!! Get it over with and let me start picking up the pieces. That is what I spent the first 23 years of my life doing, picking up pieces. It's what I'm comfortable with.

So ... I decided to get away to Florida for a few days.

I got lost in the BWI airport on the way down, no one told me I had an extra layover so I was looking for a flight that didn't exist. I managed not to sunburn, but used 70SPF the entire time. Well, my elbow and hand are suburned so I look a little strange. Also, I am horrible at packing and realized too late I didn't bring anything that actually matched. The flight home, the woman next to me sat half in my seat and slept the whole time. She didn't snore though (good thing right!?) she snorted. Best 3 hours of my life.
I also got a tattoo.

Impulsively, the friend I went down to visit called me and said "Let's get tattoo's, start thinking!" So I did ... the answer came easy. FAITH

People who know my whole life story, and all of the silly, young and stupid things I did, always expect me to have regret. At 23 I have lived through much more then anyone would imagine (even if you know me, you don't know it all trust me) Maybe I should. Maybe it makes me a bad person, but I don't. I wouldn't be me without all of it. I would much rather have FAITH in myself, my life, who I am and the decisions I make, then have regret. You wouldn't want to live with regret tattooed on you would you!? It would look ridiculous.

So now, I have FAITH on my side, literally. <insert groan here>

I guess to overcome my anxiety about not having crisis in my life, I'll have to have faith that it will all work all like it's supposed to.

PS I really stink at Blog titles. Sorry.


Where's Your Big Picture?

So, it's been awhile. Life has been busy and crazy ... I'm loving it. I've decided to sit for my PHR in December and begin a Dual Master's degree program in January; MBA & Communications. Everything is great going ... except for one thing.

I have been having some sleep issues. Maybe non-sleep issues is a better word; I don't sleep.

This started when I moved into my first apartment. Imagine how excited I was-buying my own groceries, doing my own laundry ... I even got to wash my own dishes! Life was good. Little did I know, that I had also inherited some noisy nocturnal neighbors. They broke windows, kicked holes in the walls and pounded around until 6:00am most nights.

My Doctor put me on sleeping medication to help me survive the noise. It helped, but I still didn't sleep through the night. By the time my lease was up, my body had become so dependent on medicine that it forgot how to fall asleep on its own.

So I sought the help of a Hypnotist, Clay. Better yet, my Mom did. She was convinced that this would solve my insomnia. Last week I finished my sessions and am happy to say I have been sleeping sound for 2 weeks now.

Besides sleeping, Clay taught me an important lesson: Look for the Big Picture. When you hold a picture up to your eyes, you can only see a section at a time, blurry and unclear what it really is. The further your move it away, the clearer it becomes. You see the idea, the thought, the moment. You aren't surrounded by seemingly unconnected detail.

Sometimes life can be overwhelming. To-do lists grow, responsibilities increase and pressure mounds. Take a moment to step back and look at the big picture. Don't become so concentrated on one thing, you forget it, forget LIFE. Don't let the details hold you back. Keep moving, one step at a time, one to-do check at a time and the pieces will fall into place.