This might be long & personal. I need to write. I won't hold it against you if you don't read it.
I think life is playing with me.
Right now life is going good, too good. I haven't been making any bad decisions, hurting any people or wandering around like a little lost disaster. Unless you count Christmas when I made my sister cry. That's another story, but really I was just trying to help her. My Uncle also recently passed, and while it is sad, I know it is for the better. He was struggling for almost 10 years with cancer, in great pain and I know he is in a better place, looking out for us. My Dad always said he was his "Protecter". RIP Uncle Mike (and Happy Birthday today)
Life is good. My job is wonderful, the people I work with are great and there is a lot of opportunity for me to explore myself and my strengths with the company. I am closer than ever with my Family, even my Dad who I have been slowly trying to forgive and rebuild a relationship with. My friends are also good, although I don't see them as often as I should ... having trouble with this work/life balance thing. I am finally over the X, ready to move on with my life and I think I might have even made a new friend out of it. Well not really a "new" friend. We got along fine before, but then I made one of my mistakes and yada yada. Think Seinfeld ... the yada yada always has a story. But I think we are OK now.
So what's wrong? The fact that nothing is going wrong has been eating away at me. I keep having this reoccuring, terrifying dream that all my teeth are falling out. I am stressed because I'm not stressed. How is that normal?? I must be broken.
In the back of my mind I'm waiting for the house of cards to come falling in around me. I'm walking on egg shells waiting for it to happen. Happen already!! Get it over with and let me start picking up the pieces. That is what I spent the first 23 years of my life doing, picking up pieces. It's what I'm comfortable with.
So ... I decided to get away to Florida for a few days.
I got lost in the BWI airport on the way down, no one told me I had an extra layover so I was looking for a flight that didn't exist. I managed not to sunburn, but used 70SPF the entire time. Well, my elbow and hand are suburned so I look a little strange. Also, I am horrible at packing and realized too late I didn't bring anything that actually matched. The flight home, the woman next to me sat half in my seat and slept the whole time. She didn't snore though (good thing right!?) she snorted. Best 3 hours of my life.
I also got a tattoo.
Impulsively, the friend I went down to visit called me and said "Let's get tattoo's, start thinking!" So I did ... the answer came easy. FAITH
People who know my whole life story, and all of the silly, young and stupid things I did, always expect me to have regret. At 23 I have lived through much more then anyone would imagine (even if you know me, you don't know it all trust me) Maybe I should. Maybe it makes me a bad person, but I don't. I wouldn't be me without all of it. I would much rather have FAITH in myself, my life, who I am and the decisions I make, then have regret. You wouldn't want to live with regret tattooed on you would you!? It would look ridiculous.
So now, I have FAITH on my side, literally. <insert groan here>
I guess to overcome my anxiety about not having crisis in my life, I'll have to have faith that it will all work all like it's supposed to.
PS I really stink at Blog titles. Sorry.